FORM RD-3 · CASE FILE · Back to Records Search
Case File TLO-0001-BR
Routine(Popular)
- Item
- TLO-0001-BR (“B-R” designates Break Room. “0001” designates the first item recorded.)
- Designation
- The Regret Machine
- Location
- Break Room Two, Building 4
- Hazard tier
- Routine → Irregular → Routine (Popular)
- Status
- Open. Out of order. There is a line.
- Assigned
- Dr. R. Penhallow, Lead Researcher. Assisted by K. Dunleavy, Junior Associate.
- Discovered by
- D. Mabry, Facilities
Handling Procedures
Staff are reminded that the item is not to be approached, fed, or thanked, and that any can which leaves the machine on its own is to be permitted to finish rolling.
Acceptable use (TLO-0001-BR)
Visitors to Break Room Two agree not to:
- approach, feed, or thank the item;
- purchase from the item outside a booked appointment, or without exact change;
- file a report on behalf of the item;
- interrupt a can that is rolling;
- attempt to locate the Director’s office. Records is attempting this already.
Description
The item is a vending machine. It bears no markings and no serial number. Facilities has no record of its delivery. It is not connected to building power. It dispenses only items the purchaser regrets.
Incident Report (Form 4-C)
INCIDENT REPORT, FORM 4-C. FILED BY: D. MABRY, FACILITIES. DATE:
RECORDED STATEMENT, TRANSCRIBED. Excerpt:
“It gave me a can. It was warm. No brand. The label said ‘What If.’”
“For the report. We don’t have a vending machine in Break Room Two.”
Recovered Items
| Evidence tag | Description |
|---|---|
| EVIDENCE 0001-BR-03 · COIL: C1 · PRINTED TEXT MESSAGE | A printed copy of a text message the purchaser sent their manager. It reads, “Thanks, love you.” |
| EVIDENCE 0001-BR-07 · COIL: A2 · CHIPS (CRUMBS ONLY) | A bag of chips containing only crumbs. Flavor listed as “Sour Cream and 2014.” |
| EVIDENCE 0001-BR-09 · COIL: B1 · GUM, 1 STICK | A stick of gum labeled “Reply All.” |
| EVIDENCE 0001-BR-12 · COIL: D1 · CANDY BAR | A candy bar labeled “You Too,” for what the purchaser said when a waiter told them to enjoy their meal. |
Containment Attempt Log
| Attempt | Time | Procedure | Result |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Not recorded | Disconnect power to Break Room Two. Standard procedure. | No coin was inserted. The item dispensed pretzels labeled “Regret: Cutting the Power.” The item has never been connected to power. |
| 2 | 14:04 | Relocate the item to Sub-Level B, formerly microfiche storage. Standard procedure. | Transfer completed 14:04. At 14:05, the item was in Break Room Two. It dispensed a heating pad labeled “Regret: Lifting With Your Back.” Associate Dunleavy asked that the log show he lifted with his legs. |
| 3 | Not recorded | Cover the item. Standard procedure. | A wrapped snack cake was dispensed from under the tarp, labeled “Regret: Tarp.” Dr. Penhallow reported it tasted, quote, “blue.” |
| 4 | 16:18 | Associate Dunleavy addressed the item directly. Permission was granted in writing. | Dispensed: “Regret: Saying Thank You.” Associate Dunleavy would still like it in the log. Facility alert activated 16:20. Item reclassified Irregular. |
Interview Log
0001-BR-A · Interviewer: Dr. R. Penhallow · Subject: D. Mabry, Facilities
PENHALLOW: State your name for the record.
MABRY: You know my name. I fixed your chair.
PENHALLOW: For the record.
MABRY: Dolores Mabry. Facilities.
0001-BR-B · Subject: K. Dunleavy, Junior Associate
PENHALLOW: You’ve purchased from the item fourteen times.
DUNLEAVY: Fourteen. I logged each one. Every time, it gave me a card that says “Pending.”
PENHALLOW: Pending.
DUNLEAVY: I assumed it was processing.
0001-BR-C · Subject: TLO-0001-BR
Subject is a vending machine. (Admin)
I KNOW. (R.P.)
Addendum: Office of the Director
On Thursday, the Director elected to test the item personally, by departmental card. The Director is heard only by intercom and seen only by memo. This is for security, and because Records has not located the Director’s office.
The item dispensed a single page: a staffing requisition for one Junior Associate, signed by the Director. Approval field, in the Director’s hand: Looks fine.
The Director does not recall signing it. Records had been unable to locate this requisition.
The Director has since issued a memo. It is fully redacted. Records has classified it as personal correspondence.
Status
Within one week, the item had become the most-used object in the building. Accounts Payable now books the item by appointment.
On Friday, a notice reading “Out of Order” appeared on the item. It was printed inside the machine, dispensed through the coin return, and affixed by no one. It was printed on office letterhead. Its form number, 4-D, has not yet been issued.
Item display: PENDING.
TLO-0001-BR remains in Break Room Two. It is out of order. There is a line. Hazard tier: Routine.
Routine(Popular)
Attachments
- Incident Report, Form 4-C, 1 p. Recorded statement, transcribed.
- Staffing requisition, 1 p. Records cannot locate the original. The copy on file was dispensed.
- “Out of Order” notice, Form 4-D, 1 p. Form number not yet issued.
- Memorandum, Office of the Director, 1 p. Classification: personal correspondence.
- Audio-visual record: case file on video.
FILE TLO-0001-BR: OPEN